You know, I was going to try to write something eloquent about the human spirit and disappointment, but forget it.

It comes down to this: I didn't do as well as I would have liked on the GRE test I took today. The future will tell whether it really will matter with regards to my future. It hurts though; it's really disappointing, because I thought I would do better.

Now, I talk strategy with a professor. I'll decide whether to take it again or if my score is good enough to get me where I'd like to go.

:: maybe there's something larger to read into this; maybe this is a sign. may I be sensitive to Him ::

After the test I went to the mall and just walked around for a little while. It was actually sort of fun. I didn't have anything I needed to get home for, no school or work or schoolwork. I just walked and felt the pain of my test and talked to God about it. It was therapeutic. I got Rachel Lampa's new CD (very disappointing), ate Cajun, and wondered why I couldn't find any Medium shirts at Penny's. I shopped Banana Republic and decided not to get a haircut, went to Wal-Mart and got a 128 mb memory stick.

That test'll stick in my craw for awhile. Man.

It's Just Different

I met a kindred spirit today, who has a similar background to me in some ways. She grew up in a farming community. Her family's blue-collar. She went off and got an engineering degree. She gets jokes from her family that go like: "Hey, the motor just failed, but she's an engineer, she can fix it." Or, "Hey, my car is smoking, don't you know what's wrong with it?"

It's just a different skill set, engineering and being a farmer or maintenance person. Sure, I suppose they cross at certain points, and there are certainly those who have both, but often they are separate, and while David is working in the auto shop at LB figuring out a Grand-Am's electrical system, I'm sitting in class learning how to apply the Simplex Method to an optimization problem.

That's sure not going to get the tranny fixed.

Mennonite Thinking

There's something you must understand about Mennonites. For better or for worse we have rules. And so, we talk about 'em. Are they good or bad? Do you think that one's right or wrong?

I've done my share of this and if nothing else, it's probably helped me in figuring out what I believe about things. But the older I get, the more I realize that those discussions lean, as a motorcyclist completing a 90 degree turn, toward un-productivity. In fact, discussing the rules is missing the point and is focusing on something that, within or without a Mennonite church, is mostly irrelevant to the Christian life.

Instead, when these discussions arise, we need to point them in a different direction. Namely, how can we (the people that make up the discussion) love God more passionately and reach out to others, both inside and outside our church. That is how we can effect change for the better in our churches: being unafraid to try new things in the face of tradition and by walking as close to our God as we possibly can.

Anyone reading this who does not have a Mennonite background is likely either scratching their head or rolling their eyes. Mennonites have flaws and shortcomings just like every other denomination. I know this, because I am one. Mennonites tend to look at other churches that have no rules or have adapted less restrictiveones and say, "We don't want to end up like them, and since they got like that by lessening or throwing out rules, we need to hold onto ours." There are flaws in this argument I think, but I see the point. Holiness, scriptural purity, a united local body of believers, that's what rules are trying to encourage.

The solution is not to demand changes to crazy rules. Trust me, I know. The solution is to look inward. If those churches that removed some of their restrictions, if those churches are dead now, it's because people loosened restrictions looking to be able to push the limits. I firmly believe that if a church starts from the inside and has a revolution, rules wouldn't matter. It's that simple. Rules wouldn't matter. If you had 'em it wouldn't matter. If you didn't have 'em it wouldn't matter.

So there you have it. I will strive to turn conversations away from whether wedding bands are wrong or right to whether I've let someone know about my wonderful, fulfilling relationship with the Eternal Lover of their soul.

I can't wait 'til school starts!

Marshall Scholarship Proposed Academic Programme

Candidates should describe below their proposed academic programme, giving reasons for their choice of course and preferred university. Those hoping to read for a research degree should give an outline proposal of the research they wish to undertake. If any postgraduate study has already been undertaken, state briefly the field, and list any theses or dissertations written or published.

My primary academic interest is Statistics, and as I have looked into various institutions and degrees around the UK, I have realized that with my current background I am not qualified to enter into a research degree. That has led me to MSc degrees that prepare for both industry and research. Statistics is a broad field, and there is much background and specialty that could enhance my career as either an industrial statistician or an academic. My first choice speaks to this idea.

The first alternative is the University of Oxford, chosen for its quality, as well as both the continuity and variety of this proposed academic programme. Since Statistics is built upon Mathematics, and since computing has become indispensable in this field, I propose to undertake a taught MSc at Oxford’s Mathematical Institute entitled “Mathematics and the Foundations of Computer Science.” This year-long course focuses on where mathematics, computers, and research meet. All three of these areas are of keen interest to me and all three of these areas will be beneficial to my future as a statistician, preparing me with both theoretical and practical skills for a career in industry or academia.

The second year of my study at Oxford would include a taught MSc program in Applied Statistics. The curriculum covers standard statistical techniques, while focusing on modern computing methods as they relate to statistics. Given my interests in computational statistics—including Markov Chain Monte Carlo techniques—and operational research, I would focus on these areas in the program, including Decision Theory and Combinatorial Optimisation. This program also thoroughly prepares me for a career in industry with a 3-month project.

After completing this two-year course of study, I would be prepared to pursue a career as a statistician, well-equipped with theoretical knowledge in mathematics and statistics as well as practical skills in statistics, computing, and operational research. Excitingly, these degrees also prepare me to be a researcher in academia. Since statistics is a diverse field which supports a wide variety of disciplines, it is advantageous to have a wide-ranging base of knowledge. With my undergraduate degree in Industrial Engineering, I would have background in engineering, manufacturing, mathematics, computer science, and statistics.

I had difficulty finding a second alternative that offered the same variety, so this choice became more focused. The University of Warwick offers an MSc in Statistics which covers standard statistical material with an emphasis on practical techniques used by industrial statisticians. It concludes with a dissertation, which is attractive because of its flexibility. This project can be used to pursue a practical application of statistics, but there is also the opportunity to engage in original research. In the second year of this programme, I would look to undertake a year of supervised, non-degree research at Warwick, though I have not contacted the University regarding this.

Marshall Scholarship Personal Statement

This should be a short statement, in which candidates should describe their academic and other interests and pursuits.

I believe in objective reality. I believe that this world is built upon fundamental principles that cannot be changed by our perceptions or efforts. Relativism rings as a fake coin to me, inexplicable in its conspiracy and intrinsically unsatisfying in its claim that truth is unknowable.

With this in mind, one might find it confusing to realize that my intended field of graduate study is Statistics. The casual observer may assume that Statistics is a discipline of rampant subjectivity, of massaging numbers to fit ideological viewpoints and special interests. At the very least it would seem as if the discipline hides within itself a tremendous potential to twist and distort reality.

Statistics, however, is a discipline that utilizes cautious methods to carefully interpret numerical information as it arises in many areas of the sciences and industry. Though it does not delve into the philosophical implications of truth, Statistics uses a systematic approach to account for the inevitable variability in our world. Because Statistics rests upon inductive logic, this discipline is not one that can provide definitive answers, though it can offer reasonable estimates that can lead to realistic conclusions. The approach, methods, and opportunities in Statistics are far-reaching and wide-ranging. These things, along with the rigor and practicality of the subject, are what draw me to it.

I am currently studying Industrial Engineering and will finish my undergraduate degree at Oregon State University in March. Built into this curriculum is a substantial background in Applied Statistics and due to its flexibility I have been able to include courses in Mathematical Statistics and Probability. Also, I am working with Dr. R. “Logen” Logendran and another student in an NSF-funded job-scheduling problem, a well-established area of investigation within Industrial Engineering and Applied Operations Research. This has sparked my interest in research and involves computer programming and design of experiments, two areas that will be of practical help to me in my graduate studies and career.

Though I have a passion for academics, I have come to realize that life is about so much more. It’s about people: loving, cherishing, helping, encouraging. I believe I can make a difference in peoples’ lives, even as a statistician. Statistics is by nature cross-disciplinary, so the most effective statisticians aren’t isolated, number-crunching introverts as the stereotype may suggest, but collaborative, flexible persons lending their expertise to solve a wide variety of problems in a wide variety of areas. Thus, a career in Statistics presents me with a wonderful opportunity, not only professionally, but personally as well.

I believe I'm in this world for a reason. I believe God gave me the gifts He did purposefully. There's a reason I love to sing four-part, male, a cappella harmony. There’s a reason I love the fellowship of those I cherish. There's a reason I get excited when I understand Bayes’ Theorem or hypothesis testing or thermodynamics. And I believe that with each area of ability and passion I have been given, I have an obligation to pass on the blessing.

One such area is music. For over eight years I’ve sung, traveled, and grew with three guys in a Christian, a cappella quartet. When we began I was twelve years old, and all I knew was to stand up, sing with as little emotion as possible, and sit down. Through the years, I learned to give more of myself as I performed, to connect what I was singing with my life. It was a key development in my growth personally and spiritually, and it has permeated other areas of my life, in addition to my music.

I am a Christian with a Mennonite background, and my faith is of the utmost importance to me. Mennonites are people of the land, people who are unashamedly blue-collar, and people who believe that love, not violence, should be the driving force in the world. I have learned much from this heritage: hard work, proper priorities, the correct response to those who antagonize me. I have a unique perspective on the world, growing up in a “restrictive” environment, which included no television in our home and no jewelry on our bodies. But more importantly, I was taught the need for a sincere and sensitive heart toward God. This relationship with God touches every part of my life, whether it is my interactions with others, my ethics, or even my academic pursuits.

Because of my background, I feel the need to involve myself in practical work. Because of my academic interests, I have the desire to be at the forefront of scientific discovery in my chosen discipline. Statistics allows me to satisfy both aspirations. The material I would study in Britain would be very similar to the material at an American university. However, the ways in which the material is presented, the structure of the programmes, and the influence of a different culture is what sets this opportunity apart. I want to exploit these differences to the greatest possible degree, both in their smaller and larger contexts. The smaller a person’s view of the world, the less likely that person is to understand perspectives other than his/her own. And if you limit your perspective, you limit your problem-solving ability. Specifically, I want to develop superior analytical skills as well as a broader and deeper understanding of my chosen field through an enlarging of my view of Statistics itself. Generally, I want to see the world through a wider lens, which will enable me to better fulfill my greater goal of touching people along the way of my life.

I believe I can benefit much from spending time in a land of rich history and scholarship, a land that has been the home of many spiritual giants and many other intellectual ones. I believe that I can give something as well: a fresh perspective, a strong work ethic, and much enthusiasm for the course of study or research with which I am involved.

Writing and Running

You wouldn't think that writing and running would be that similar, but right now it seems about as difficult to write for an extended period of time as it is to run for an extended period of time. I write for a little while, then I just feel ... if not exhausted, mentally tired or something.

I was advised to get this Marshall application in by tomorrow. It's been quite the process. I'm trying to finish up my essay and programme of study mini-essay/defense. When I do finish them, I'll likely post them to this blog.

Be Nice to the Girls!

I suppose there are many types of harmony. Harmony with lots of fifths, lots of open chords, a big spread. Then there's jazz, choral, and much more. I really don't know enough about music theory to talk intelligently about it.

But then there's close harmony, which I have more experience with. When you're talking "men's music"--male four-part harmony--you most often have a "tight stack" which means that in the top three parts there's no gaps in the chords. Like you could be stacked do-mi-so, but probably not do-so-mi.

Ok.

But then you get these books with old gospel songs in them, arranged for mixed voices. Often, they give the alto or bass a lead in the chorus, and almost invariably, the soprano will be sent to the rafters while the tenor pokes along on some mid-range set of notes. There's several problems here. One, it's not close harmony. That may not really be a problem, I guess, because in normal mixed music (outside of, say, Southern Gospel and Sweet Adeline), the status quo is spread harmony. Not my preference, so I guess it's a problem. But the other, bigger problem is that it's very difficult for most sopranos to make five high E-flats in a row sound good. You know? Or then they hang them out on a re-mi-fa sequence that is incredibly hard not to flat. It's almost like these gospel songs were in men's music and they translated them over to mixed music and for whatever reason gave the sopranos the nasty line. It would be much better to give the tenors the higher notes and give the sopranos a break.

Life Changes

Oh, oh. I don't really know how to communicate what I feel right now. It's something about change and something about sweet memories. Because things will never be the same, never be how they are now: the good, the bad, the people, the family. All these things that I've invested in, that I've been a part of, it'll all be different when things change. Obvious? Sure, but heart-wrenching all the same.

You know?

Today and This Week

I thought the Ducks would pull it out against the #2 Oklahoma Sooners in Norman, OK. Even though the Quackers were beaten by a bad Indiana Hoosier team last week, I felt that it was because of correctable mistakes--turnovers--and they could possibly bounce back and make a surprise showing against the powerhouse from the midwest. It wasn't to be: they lost 31-7.

My other prediction, though, should be better than my football one: my Aunt Rosie's going to have a girl.

If I had to broadly characterize the past week, I'd say I had a blessed week of victory, joy, and relationships, connecting and growing with God. Though not as perfect as the first sentence implies, I was blessed this week, and God is working, not only in my life, but in others' as well.

A couple things that bother me, though. I wish I lingered in God's presence more often, in my dedicated time with Him because that's when a person's time with God is incredibly rewarding and productive. And I wish I shared His name with others more, stood up when something should be said.

I look at where God has led me, and I believe I'm where He's called me at this moment in time. But if I am where God's called me, that means I have a divine mission to fulfill for my God to where He's called me. Because surely He wouldn't call me somewhere without having a purpose for me in the calling. So am I fulfilling my mission? That's one of the things that's on my mind, one of the things that sticks in my heart's craw and won't let me coast. Except I do...I do coast, all too often. When the opportunities are there to help complete that mission that I'm on, I don't seize them. I need to be accountable.