Security

In the first draft of my Marshall Scholarship essay, I listed some ways in which my Mennonite heritage has benefitted me, one of which was that it taught me "proper priorities." This implies that I have proper priorities.

Tonight I was thinking about my day today, how that it didn't go so well in some ways. Namely, I felt a bit beaten down in a meeting I was a part of. See, I have this inferiority complex about my chosen undergraduate discipline. It's a "dis"-able discipline, particularly by other engineering disciplines.

And so I take it a little personally. It's an ego thing, it's a thing about how important my intellect, my (perceived) intelligence, is to me. It's a security issue. I tried to think down to the heart of the issue, and I do believe it's a security issue. My security is wrapped up in people's perceptions of my intelligence, and really it's even worse than that because I don't even think people are meaning to imply anything to me personally when they jab my discipline. Perception, perception. It's like the mid-sized person looking into the mirror and seeing a fat individual. Perception. And so, I talked it out with God, and I feel better, though security issues are the type that keep popping up--sort of like pride--again and again. Then again, maybe they're one and the same, security and pride. At any rate, they're hard to lick.